Eye candy

Last night I'm watching the movie "Newsies." I absolutely love that movie, and not just for the all male cast that sings and dances. Okay, I'm lying to myself. It was for the singing, dancing all male cast. Christian Bale, David Moscow: those first stirrings of hey, maybe boys aren't gross stemmed from them.

So I have a secret crush on that movie. There is a blonde guy with a butt cut who always wears peach and can be seen surrounding the lead actors all the time. He also has an eye patch. He is so dreamy! He has always been a mystery man to me though because he has maybe three lines in the film and no one calls him by his character name. Until last night. I was watching the DVD extras and they did a short interview with him and they flashed his name on the screen: Trey Parker.

I think I choked a little. Trey Parker? My cute singing and dancing blonde is Trey Parker! The guy from South Park THAT MADE OUT WITH ANOTHER GUY ON BASEKETBALL?

I couldn't sleep at all last night. My guy took one turn for the worse. I didn't have internet at home so I couldn't confirm my fears. When I got to work today, the first thing I did was check to see if it was the same Trey Parker.

It was not.

I feel better now.

Britney Snark strikes again

Omigod, I laughed so hard I peed a little when I watched this. Yeah, some of you are going to hate me for this.

New kid at school

Today was my first day at my new job and I absolutely love it. It's in a real office building where I get a security card and keys to the office. Not only is there an elevator in the building , but there is also a freight elevator for people who carry boxes, etc. The building doesn't want the carrying of boxes to be seen by the rest of the offices. These are all firsts for me, but then again, this is also my first job in a major city.

I think my favorite thing about the job is the staff. There are a lot of girls my age working there. They all wear their designer clothes with their matching purses and go out and each lunch together. At my last job, I was the only person there under forty and work was often missed to get their boyfriends out of jail. Some of the other girls were also English majors and while we were eating lunch, we all declared we liked knowing other people with the same major. "So this is what English majors do after college!" we said. I guess were a rare breed, often forced to find jobs that have nothing to do with our schooling if we don't automatically become a teacher.

I sit at the front desk and answer phones, but I also manage subscriptions to the magazine and organize leads to give to the advertisers. I think it is technically a lower position than my last job, but it's definitely more money. I'll also have a chance to move up from this position, which will mean even more money. I'm having a difficult time getting over sitting at the front desk, but hopefully I'll get over it. I think it will depend on if people treat me like a receptionist or not.

Right now, I'm completely occupied at work, so I won't have a chance to be as involved as I was for a week or two until I get my things moved here from Athens, but I'll be checking in!

I am an Atlantan driver

The saying goes, "Welcome to Georgia where the speed limit is just a suggestion," and I take full advantage of this. My cruise control keeps my truck at no less than 10 miles over the speed limit. On highways (especially the perimeter and I-85), anything under 80 is okay. I fully believe that when merging, the car traveling the fastest has the right of way. Matter of fact, I believe whomever is going the fastest has the right of way at all times. If you can go through a red light before I can go through my green, that is fine with me. Lane weaving is also acceptable if it means finding the fastest route.

If you screw up and stop in a "keep moving" lane, I will honk until you go. If you give me the finger while I'm honking, I will just lay on the horn until you move. Likewise, if stop and try to make a left hand turn, but you are not in a turning lane, I will also sit behind you and honk until you turn. Sitting in the wrong lane will not be tolerated! I believe the horn is a tool of assertion, not defense.

When people say they are afraid to drive on the perimeter because of the crazy drivers, they are referring to me.

I am an Atlantan driver.

Shake your groove thang, your groove thang, yeah

One night in Peachtree City with Baby turned into two. I decided to get my truck fixed and the mechanic took all day to change my effing brakes. Baby made it up to me by taking me to a Japanese restaurant, which is becoming my favorite food right now. We sat down at the hibachi grill. I find that these can be a gamble because I think the outcome of the meal is directly affected by who else is seated at your table. For the first time the entire table was occupied by 20-something professionals. The cook mentions that he would like a sake bomb and before we knew it, it was 25 sake bombs later and we forgot we came there to eat. He finished putting the plates in front of us and we said, "Food? Oh...right... Forgot we came here for that."

I think it was the best food I had from a hibachi experience as well, but I can't remember.

Completely tanked, Baby and I decided to stop at a bar on the way home. We hadn't eaten and were in a drinking groove that we wanted to continue. Once we were in the bar, I learned that it was male review night. Baby encouraged me to check it out, the rest of the bar not sectioned off for the review was just men waiting to prey on they thought were "easy, horny women" leaving the review. After another beer, I ducked in.

The portion of the bar sectioned off for the male review was decorated with banquet chairs and drunk women much older than me. I didn't know anyone so I stood with a group at the bar. One woman was really drunk and looking to hook up with one of the men waiting to prey on the other part of the bar, so I guess the men were right in their assumptions. I took her outside and introduced her to Baby and the group of men talking with him.

After our spin outside, we went back into the male review and waited for the next act. It was my first time attending one of these functions and she gave me a briefing on what to expect and handed me a dollar. I told her I didn't want to interact with the stripper and I that I had a man already, but she instructed me to put a dollar in my shirt collar and he would grab it out with his neck. She then dissappeared to the stage to await her personal lap dance. It seemed innocent enough (the dollar in the collar, not the lap dance.)

When he got to me I stuck the dollar in my shirt, but instead of grabbing it with his neck, he pulls it out with his hands and turns me around to face the bar, with my back to everyone else. He then bends me over the bar and spanks me in front of everyone. My face is pushed against the sticky countertop and I am uncontrollably laughing out of both humiliation and sheer drunkenness. All the girls were cheering/screaming/laughing. I swear at one point I felt something hard on the back of my legs. When he was done I turned around to look at the girl who gave me the dollar and she was whooping and laughing hysterically. Afterwards she confirmed my suspicions by stating she couldn't believe he rubbed it on me and that she had never seen what he did to me before.

I ran outside and climbed in Baby's lap. I told him I had been violated and he, too, laughed at me. I begged to leave and he took me home. I can't remember the last time I faced public humiliation like that. Point is: male review is not sexy and only go if you want to laugh at yourself.

Why is there wooing in the background?

So I took my dog to work today. I wasn't really thinking about anything, just that I was going to to south Atlanta after work and I live in extreme north Atlanta and I wasn't going home to get her and I wasn't leaving her by herself overnight. It was my last day at work and I thought, What the hell, are they going to fire me?

She sat by my desk all day and was really well-behaved, more so than I believed she would be.

In my past experience, Chinese have always been terrified of my wolf-like dog, and I was anxious to see how my Chinese-owned company would react to her presence. Fortunately, they loved her and gave her any spare food they had.

At 5:30, I packed up my desk (in one tiny box) and split. I'll miss the people I worked with, but never the job. Anytime someone yelled at me today, I responded, "Well, today is my last day, but I'll leave a sticky for the boss who will be back next week." That seemed to both shock and anger the customers, so it made me happy.

Too many things to do:

1. Packing up my entire apartment to move to Atlanta
2. Finishing my last day of work tomorrow
3. Packing up my cubicle (okay, so this isn't much, but still)
4. Packing to go to Peachtree City tomorrow night
5. Packing for the beach this weekend (hope the hurricanes stop)

For anyone who wants to help, the airport in Athens is called Ben Epps.

The bill is in the mail

I don't really have anything to post today; I wasted most of my time at work working on Paige's template trying to hide "Jamie is a goddess" somewhere inside it. I'm happy because it made my work day go by quickly, but I will leave you with this:

Matt: I took Nikita out for you this morning. I can't remember if she
pooed or not.
Jamie: You can't remember my dog's bowel
movements?
Matt: No.
Jamie: What a shitty boyfriend!

Quote of the Day

Some people are like Slinkys- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

--Baby, in response to a threatening e-mail I received

Super Creep

Remember the guy that abducted those children last week and authorities think one may be dead? He kept a blog. Here it is.

Are you smarter than me? Probably.

Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Exceptional Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

A phone conversation with my mother

Jamie: Hello?
Mom: Hi. You answered your phone!
Jamie: I always answer my phone....when I hear it ring and I know who is on the other end.
Mom: Yeah right.
Jamie: I do!
Mom: Where are you?
Jamie: (very sheepishly) Blockbuster.
Mom: Jamie, turn around and walk out of that store right now!
Jamie: I swear I just came to return a movie and I saw a big banner out front for 2 DVDs for $12!
Mom: You need brakes, your life insurance is due...Walk out now! I'm not kidding! The last thing you need is more movies. Blockbuster should rent from you!
Jamie: I'm going to trade some in and I'm getting brakes next week after I get paid. Wait, life insurance?
Mom: I'm not paying for it anymore.
Jamie: It wasn't even my choice to get it! All my friends thought you were going to put a hit out on me, especially when I saw that you bought burial plots!
Mom: Your brother assumed the payments when he was your age.
Jamie: He was also married! No one is going to benefit from my life insurance but you! You want it, you make the payments! I'm not paying so you get money when I die!
Mom: Why not?
Jamie: You're my mother! That comes with the territory of having kids!

?

I was on my personal computer the other night and I discovered some home videos my old roommate loaded onto it. They are hilarious drunken videos of him at a party acting like the biggest 'tard ever. I have got to put them here after editing them a little bit. Anyone know how to do this? Is it possible?

Just for Girls: an ode to razertuc

Warning: this is pretty disgusting.
Inspired by his comment left here.

Man, periods totally suck. I'm glad I have all this space here to discuss all forums for the period. I don't like 'em. I got on Depro Provera, the birth control shot that makes your period stop, and instead of it stopping, I had it for 3 months straight! That sucked. You know what else sucks about the period? You lose, like, 3 cups of blood. Every month. Um, perfectly good blood for third world countries people! The Red Cross is, like, so insensitive. We could donate our tampons for blood transfusions of AIDS babies in Ethiopia.

I totally hate PMS. The worse thing about it is I get all crazy-like and drive myself nuts, then one trip to the toilet and I'm totally like, no wonder! It's funny how girls who are close get their periods at the same time. I bet men who live with like 3 girls totally hate it when they all get their periods simultaneously. Oh! That was a big word! Hold on, I better rest a minute from using such a big word...

Okay, I'm back. I thought I was gonna pass out. All the blood rushed out of my head, I bet you know where it went! You know what's worse than having your period, um, having a baby! You think periods are gross? Giving birth is totally yuckier. Do you know that when women have babies the skin that separates their vagina and butt rips and it becomes one open cavity? That sucks. They have to, like, sew you back together. Nothing like pissing and shitting while trying to give birth and have 10 people staring at your vagina! That's why I'm not having babies!

But back to periods, because that is what cyber space is all about! I notice that only whites and blacks use tampons. Are Mexican and Chinese afraid of them? All they use are those big ugly pads. Um, excuse me, but unsightly bulges in my pants is NOT a cool wardrobe accessory. That is totally not in style!

I totally believe that women are governed by the moon. 28 days for a complete moon phase and 28 days between periods! A full gestation period is 280 days, which may be 9 months by our calendar year, but it would totally be 10 months if we have our months cycle with the moon and our periods! How, like, weird is that? Plus women have more water in them then men do and the moon controls the tide. Full moons also cause road kill because the animals go out at night when it is super bright outside from the full moon and that's why they get hit! Road kill is yucky. Just like periods!

Okay, time for shopping! We can continue this convo later. 28 days later!

Another weekend tale

Baby and I spent a lot of time at the country club this weekend. We originally went to hit a bucket of balls, but as soon as we got there it began to thunder and lightning so we decided to skip the golf and enjoy the bar.

After about 2 drinks Baby looks at me, smiles, and asks me if I could get used to the country club life. "This isn't my first country club you know," I whip back. "I've spent some time at Druid Hills, and am awaiting my acceptance at Augusta." (Some may not get the reference, but women aren't allowed to play at Augusta.) Like clockwork, the bartender returns to our table and I ask for a SoCo. This doesn't seem out of the ordinary, or even an unusual order, but the bartender returns and tells me very apologetically that they don't carry Southern Comfort at the bar. I guess I already hit my 2 drink maximum because I shoot back, "What it's not prestigious enough for you?" Baby literally groans, places his head in his hands, and shakes his head. Whoops. I apologized to the bartender and he was really nice about it.

An hour later and I was good and tanked, but I held my composure pretty well. Until he signs for the bill. And I let out a single loud hiccup. "Baby, please get me outta here," I whispered. Fortunately minus another table, we were the only people doing happy hour there during the storm so my embarrassment was minimal, but when we came back the next day for lunch, I double checked to see if that bartender was there, and when he wasn't, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Why are you a dumb sh*t?" Part II

You want to talk about immaturity?

Baby and I went to see the fireworks show and we strayed away from the families and found a kick ass view on a bridge. You know who else found that spot? About 12 middle schoolers.

The team to my right screamed at the top of their lungs with every bang while jumping up and down and shaking the wire mesh on the bridge. This made me very nervous with the concrete bridge shaking underneath me and the mesh walls pounding back and forth.

The team to my right was less smack-worthy, but perhaps even more annoying. They would say, "Oh this one's going to be cool," before every. single. damn. explosion.

I wanted to holler at the ones screaming to shut up, but look at this from 3rd person perspective: a lady yelling at kids cheering for fireworks. How lame does that make me sound? Imagine if I beat them like I wanted: Woman attacks children for cheering, ruins 4th of July.

I think 24 and 26 is too old for this

It was fun spending the weekend with Baby and his family. Although we are still on the whole sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms-when-at-the-'rents thing, which means sleeping in separate bedrooms, but not at all, and usually ends up with me belly crawling out of his room in the morning.

I could have killed him one morning. The usual routine is he'll leave first and come back to tell me if his parents are in the living room and the coast is clear or not. When it's not, he'll leave his door open and I'll just get a running start and, by the time they notice me, I'm halfway down the hall and they can't determine which bedroom I came from.

However this time he gets up, closes the door behind him, and goes to the effing store, leaving me in a lurch. We were on a time crunch so I couldn't wait for him to return. I had to get to my bathroom and get ready. His door distinguishably and notably creaks, making me unable to just open it. Instead I stick my ear to the door and listen for what sounds like 2 parents in the kitchen, not one in the kitchen and one in the living room, ready to bust me. When I hear what I think is 2 people in the kitchen, I swing the door open, but I didn't dare leave the room. Then the dog downstairs hears the door open and runs upstairs and into the room. Dammit. Luckily he didn't bark and after some shooing, he returned downstairs. I literally laid on my belly and periodically crawled out until I could see someone's arm in the chair. After about 10 minutes of this, the chair was empty and I ran into my room and shut the door. Clear.

Oh, and I'm sure they know I'm doing this.

Things that went wrong before 8:30AM this morning

1. Woke up with period
2. Ran out of shampoo on a 'wash rinse repeat' day
3. Shower drain clogged to a full stop
4. Dropped last sliver of soap never to be seen again
5. Clothes were not yet finished in dryer when had to pack
6. Packed for only 2 days on a 3 day vacation
7. DOG HAD DIARRHEA IN THE BACK OF MY CAR WHILE DRIVING TO WORK

(I have leather seats so this ordinarily would not have been so bad, but I had the back seat folded down in my Explorer so she did it on the carpet. I couldn't pull over and take care of it immediately or else I would be late to work. Fortunately, one of my coworkers said she would cover for me when I told her the story so I could go out in the parking lot and scrub shit before it cooked in the 100 degree sun.)