Hey VegasGustan, remember the post in which I said my roommate Craig was going to be a box of wine for Halloween (and you laughed so hard you got a bloody nose and peed in your pants)?

Well here they are! The long awaited Halloween pictures!

Funny story, the second we start walking down the street, a guy (presumably drunk) stops, points at Craig, and shouts, "Dude, my mom loves you!"

A very sexy nurse drinking from the box o' Craig

I think this picture is priceless: the angle Craig is leaning back, his arms sticking out, the look on his face...

Demonstrating the working tap

It was a great night. The box was so wide Craig could not lift a glass of beer to his lips, so we stole a crazy straw from a party we were at and I had to hold up the glass and have Craig drink beer through the crazy straw all night. It was pretty ridiculous.

We had to duct tape the contents of the box of wine (the bag insert) to his belly. Craig left us at our bar and returned 45 minutes later completely tanked and without his costume. We don't know what happened but found the costume by the car.

Holy Hell

I went into my hotmail account to do something- I can't even remember- and it had half a dozen e-mails from EHarmony.com with matches and people wanting to "connect" with me. It's been 12 hours since I did the stupid thing and already I feel guilty about turning people down.

Must get out...

Instead of blogging last week, I got caught up in Amber's many Internet trysts. Sadly enough, it's the only girl talk I've been getting recently. Her stories are more successful than a guy I know. We'll call him Satchel.

I want to take a moment and give you some background on him. Satchel is a good friend of mine; I've known him for about 3 years. He's good looking, funny, sincere, and well-liked: an all-around great guy. Every girl I know has had a crush on him before becoming friends with him, although he'll never admit this. He's 21 and is putting himself through school at UGA. He's into courting more than dating: once he knows it couldn't work long term with a girl, he'll end things. Satchel also says once he finds the right girl, he has no problem committing.

He is also the only person I know that can say, "I'm going to go out on a date Friday," "I'm going to have a girl over to watch a movie tonight," or "I'm going to go to the bars tonight and kiss a girl," and actually succeed 100% of the time.

My point is any girl would be lucky to date him.

So one night Satchel decides to branch out to the world of Internet dating. He ventures to eharmony.com and completes his free personality profile. Satchel answers the questions honestly, saying he's looking for love and wouldn't mind getting married if he found the right girl.

An hour later and a what seems like a million questions later, Satchel gets his results: eharmony said, "thanks but no thanks." They gave him some bogus response about how they weren't looking for somebody with his personality at this time and thanked him.

Man, it must suck to get turned down by a website.

Especially one with millions of lonely desperate women...

Update:
I went to eharmony and filed my own personality profile. The good news is it accepted my application, the bad news is I didn't have any matches. Eharmony thinks I have hope, potential.

I asked Satchel whether or not what I experienced (no matches in 6 million friggin' people) was the same message he received. He said the site was meaner to him. Satchel also wanted me to convey that after a second try he was allowed on the site.

About Me

If you have kept up to date on my blog, you would know that I lost my glorious money-maker of a job in the advanced world of car sales in November. By mid-January I ran out of money/ got bored and decided to get another job. I came back to blogging and never answered any questions about my new profession.

I think I'm ready.

Yes folks, after 4+ years of college and a degree later, I work in the customer service department for a Chinese owned restaurant furniture manufacturer. If you have ever eaten at Moe's Southwest Grill, CiCi's Pizza, Bojangles, or Bear Rock Cafe, you've sat in my chair and ate off my table. I'm proud of our booths; they are really comfortable.

I specialize in the returns department, meaning I get to deal with angry sales reps all day, every day. It's rather glorious and self-rewarding. Not. But this job will lead to other things for me so I guess I have to pay my dues.

I got a call today from a customer who wanted to get some booths replaced because they are rocking. "One even rocks 4 to 5 inches," he says. "Why would you want to get that fixed? You could charge admission," I respond.

The love me for my flair.

Posted by Hello

The face of a dead man.

Update 3/17: The more I look at this picture, the more I see my older brother in it and envision all those childhood taughtings and tortures he put me through. It's to the point now where I see it and I think, "That's my brother. No, wait... that's Scott Peterson." That's kinda creepy and disturbing and scares the hell out of me.

Rant on a perfectly wonderful boyfriend

The boyfriend (I don't know why I've taken to referring to him as that) lives about an hour and a half from me. He's great: he brings me flowers for no reason, takes me on real dates, and generally is easy going. He comes to visit me every weekend (even when he has to work) and never complains about gas money or the drive.

Other than having the talent to say the absolute worst thing at the absolute worst time, he has one other "quirk." He is always late. I'm not talking about "I got stuck in traffic and I'm 20 minutes late," but "I don't know where the time went- you mean I was supposed to be here 3 and 1/2 hours ago?"

It drives me absolutely crazy. My weekends don't start until he gets there because I'm not going to make plans without him when he's supposed to be here. It's getting to the point where we can't go out to dinner anymore because no place will seat you after 10 pm. We can't go to the movies for the same reason. I feel like I'm wasting time waiting on him. This especially sucks when he does this on a Saturday night because we can't make up for it the next night.

The only thing we've been doing is watching TV on the couch (this is not exactly a complaint), but then he says, "We never go out anymore." And I want to yell and scream, "If you get here when you were supposed to- 3 hours ago- we would have been able to do so!"

Sure we can go to the bars, but it has become old. There are no "intimate" bars in Athens where the 2 of you can go and get a glass of wine. We have 64 bars in a 3 block radius and they are all filled with screaming drunk 20-somethings.

Last night I was giving him crap about the beach this weekend. I said we shouldn't go because he won't get to Athens until late (as usual) and then we'll be on the road till 2am. If he comes Saturday morning he will find a way not to get to Athens until 3 or 4pm and then we won't get there till Saturday night. I don't want to set myself up to get upset by attempting to go so we should just forget about it.

He promises again he will be here by 7:30pm. We'll see.

I woke up this morning twenty minutes after I was supposed to already have left. It just hit me that I may not have put underwear on.

...Ok, I did.

I had a bastard crappy weekend followed by a bastard crappy Monday.

I'm sure everyone heard about the courthouse shootings on Friday. It was the only thing on our tvs and radios for about 48 hours. The boyfriend was upset because the judge slayed was a family friend of his. I'm glad he's caught and maybe Geraldo can leave my city now. That probably was the moment that pissed me off the most. They are loading the guy in the car and Geraldo jumps out from behind a bush and basically takes credit for the entire thing. I started screaming at the tv and my roommate ran out of his room thinking the guy got away again or killed even more people. Damn that Geraldo!

Finally bought a new computer on Saturday. I was able to use my old hard drive as a slave drive so I didn't lose any information when my motherboard blew up last December. It's pretty pimp compared to my old one which was still running on Windows 98. The salesman tried to get me to buy a warranty because how my old one died. "It was 7 years old, survived 7 moves, and I dropped it on cement once: it was time," I responded. He promptly dropped the issue.

Got really drunk Saturday night and decided to walk 4 miles home. Almost got mugged. Our saving grace was we actually split up a bit so we weren't huddled together so the guy did a 180 and left us alone.

Got my ass chewed on several occasions Monday by sales reps. One time was in front of my step-mom who came to take me out to lunch. Thanks Brenda.

Decided to leave everybody and go to the beach this weekend by myself, but I just found out my dad is using the house. So I'll won't have it to myself. Oh well, I'm still going to go.

It was a success...

Posted by Hello

...But the dog is a little embarrassed!

This story made my sweet day :)

MSNBC.com
Courteous inmate returns to prison on his own
Man released by mistake 'nice enough to call ahead'

The Associated Press
Updated: 7:46 p.m. ET Feb. 19, 2005


CANTON, Ohio - An inmate released by mistake by jail officials in Ohio arranged his own way back to the prison in Colorado where he still has two more years to serve. He even called to say he was on his way.

Stark County jailers let Ricky Lee Claycomb go on Tuesday after he was acquitted of a rape charge he had been brought to Ohio from Colorado to face. Jail officials apparently never saw the paperwork to return him to the prison.

“We don’t know exactly what happened,” Sheriff Tim Swanson said.

Claycomb, 37, called his mother in Henderson, Colo.

“He told them at the jail that he was supposed to be taken back to Colorado,” said his mother, Jill Claycomb. “He said they told him he was done in Canton and it was his problem to get back.”

She sent him money for a bus ticket. After the two-day trip to Colorado, Claycomb visited her long enough to have oatmeal and peaches for breakfast and pizza for lunch, and then his brother drove him to Colorado’s Fremont Correctional Facility in Canon City.

“He was nice enough to call ahead,” said Katherine Sanguinetti, a spokeswoman for the Colorado Department of Corrections. “I think he was afraid we would shoot him or something, but it wasn’t his fault Ohio let him go.”

Claycomb was serving time in Colorado for robbery, and was brought to Ohio to stand trial on a 1994 rape charge after a crime database indicated a DNA match.

However, Claycomb testified that he had consensual sex with the woman the day before the alleged assault, and jurors acquitted him.

Jill Claycomb said that soon after her telephone conversation with her son, Stark County authorities called to find out if she knew where he was.

“I told a detective what happened, that he was coming back to Colorado on his own,” she said. “He just said ‘Bless Ricky’s little heart.”’

© 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6999400/

Kiddie Porn Revisited

I was right in questioning the authenticity of the company that put out the ad that asked for child models to entire men. Yesterday, the radio station finally addressed the ad. Whereas I thought it was some government kiddie porn bust, it was actually the same radio station that was responsible for the ad. They aired it to make a point about children's beauty pageants. It was supposed to draw a comparison between the two: for instance, putting on make-up that would make them look like teenagers.

I don't know if VegasGustan ever called the hotline but what he would have reached was an answering machine. They aired it and it was filled with people denouncing the company as dirty and perverted. 4 people actually tried to enlist their children. I laugh at these people! They would probably let their children spend the night at Michael Jackson's house, given the chance.

I can't envision dads at these beauty pageants getting off by looking at the contestants, so I don't think I agree with the station's sentiment. I think they're being a bit drastic.

I hate getting duped though.

I grew up in Georgia. I firmly believed that everyone used "y'all" frequently and without abandon until I was 17 and visited family in Pennsylvania and they made fun of me.

When I was 21, I dated a boy who grew up in New York. He talked funny. He informed me that I "lived in the Bible Belt" and the rest of the country doesn't operate like we do. Apparently not everyone in public school systems opens the school day with "a moment of quiet reflection" in which to pray and it's unusual for a girl to own a pick-up truck. "Fwwpah!" I scoffed at him!

Then one day I read in the paper that one Georgia senator proposed strapping an electric chair to the bed of a pick-up truck and have it drive on the highways for display as a crime deterrent.

Okay so maybe we do things a bit differently here.

For the past couple of years, I've been acutely aware of the weirdness of the south in the back of my mind. Fortunately, I'm able to dismiss any strangeness as doings of rednecks and poor white trash. Besides they live in trailer parks across the country- they aren't limited to the southern region.

But this- oh God...

That damn paper. I open it again this morning and saw a big picture of a dog on the cover. Underneath it, I read this story.

Posted by Hello

Governor to Neuter Dog at Clinic

ATLANTA (AP) -- If dogs can hope, Nelson is hoping the governor hasn’t lost his touch.

The 9-month-old Rottweiler-Labrador retriever mix is scheduled to be neutered Thursday under the knife of Gov. Sonny Perdue, a licensed veterinarian. The governor is performing the 30-minute operation to help celebrate the Atlanta Humane Society clinic’s 132nd birthday. Perdue hasn’t made his living as a veterinarian since 1980, although aides say he maintained his certification and occasionally works on the pets of family and friends.

Nelson will be put up for adoption after the surgery.

We’re hoping this will help him get some coverage and go to a loving home,” said P.J. Smith, spokeswoman for the Humane Society. “He’s a great dog.”

The Atlanta chapter is hoping the governor’s participation will raise awareness about the importance of spaying and neutering pets. Between 3 million and 4 million unwanted cats and dogs are euthanized annually in the United States, according to Humane Society estimates.
(Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Of course! Of course the governor of Georgia would volunteer to cut a dog's balls off! What? What did he think this would accomplish? He hasn't been a practicing vet since 1980! 15 years! Is this supposed to be a good idea?! Is this the decision that's going to reinstill respect for southerners? Jack-off.

And wouldn't you believe he's catching shit for not choosing a yellow lab.

Route 66 ain't just for poor white people anymore

Apparently the term Mexican is not PC anymore. From what I hear, they find this offensive. Personally, I find Djiboutian offensive. Americans have used nation of origin as a precedent to describe a person's ethnicity (although I have also heard that African-American is out and "black" is back in.) Ergo this seems like a question of national pride. To not want to be described as the nation they emigrated from. Maybe it's also a question of 'I live in America now and want to be as American as possible.' I don't know, this is all speculation from me.

So what the in term is, you wonder? Ready? It's "migrant worker." You may as well call them "wetbacks" as far as I'm concerned: I do not believe "migrant worker" is a step up from Mexican.

To me, "migrant worker" brings about images of people slightly better off than homeless people. They work, but they're poor, taken advantage of, and don't have a stable place to live (damn my high school teacher for making me read Grapes of Wrath!) Personally, I'd much rather be called Mexican and dream of beer and bull fights.

All this thought is making me hungry- I think I'll have migrant worker for dinner.

Black Market White Baby Dealers

I heard a radio commercial this morning for Premier Child Starlets, a company in LA. It was searching for young girls, ages 6-11, to model for the purposes of attracting men. Grown men. Dirty Perverted Grown Men.

"Could your ten-year-old pass as a fifteen-year-old with a little make-up?" it asked. By law, a fifteen-year-old is still illegal. Ask R. Kelly.

"We know the difference between plain big lips and sensous lips that could bring a man to his knees," he continued. What? What kind of sick company wants to market six-year-olds as sex symbols for men?

The radio ad continued to ask that mothers let their babies be sexy (I can't remember the exact terminology.)

I listened to the entire ad waiting for the punchline, but it turns out I can be wrong. I wrote down the name and number (why I'm still not sure.) I googled the company name used in the ad and found nothing. I looked up the phone number only to find out it is unlisted. What is going on here?

I don't have the guts to call the number because I don't want to get on some government list of people who sell children into child pornography. I can't believe this company(?) would air an ad that shady to the mainstream public. I found the ad offensive and I love condom commercials, so I'm not a weak-stomached or morally righteous person.

I'm thinking about writing the radio station and questioning them on why they played the ad.

UGH

I somehow caught FrogPrincess' virus by reading her blog. I spent all of Wednesday night alternating crying and throwing up. By six AM I already called both my mother and my boyfriend. I was too weak to let the dog outside to go to the bathroom so she went in my roommate's bathroom: just not near the toilet. I called my mother again at her work about 10 AM and I told her I was convinced I that I was dying. She had to leave work and drive a couple of hours to my apartment. It was ugly. Instead of sitting by me, she cleaned my entire apartment. Even inside the microwave I noticed several days later (and 7 pounds lighter) when I was ready to eat again.

Mothers.

I'm a grown productive member of society. I buy my own cars, pay taxes out the ying yang, and contribute to the economy like any other adult. But when things get ugly, apparently I still want my mommy. I called out sick to work and my boss asked if anyone was with me. "My mother," I replied, and I heard a giggle. Okay so not everyone may do what I did. My roommate came home that afternoon with a case of beer, opened the door, found me sprawled semi-conscious on one couch, and found my mother on the other, folding my laundry. An odd sight, I admit. But I needed someone to take care of me and who did it?

My Mother.

Weird cars I saw today on my commute

1.) A jalopy Mexican van taxi with spinners

2.) A tow truck towing a tow truck (how literal!)

3.) A police interceptor with a dealer drive-out tag (a new car temporary tag)

Now I know where to buy my very own police car!

Snow Falls on Asphalt

I was driving to work this morning and about 2 towns into my commute, I noticed snow covering the ground. Was I that tired that I didn't notice snow in Georgia? After thinking about it I came to the conclusion that there was no snow in Athens, Georgia, otherwise I would have noticed it when I was walking the dog.

It's snowing again and I wish I was home under the covers reading one of the three books I'm in the middle of. I'm in a mood, after realizing that the people I work with resent me. Or they just don't like me because I smell bad, etc., but I prefer resent because of its implications. Rather early in the morning one lady said something nasty about the closest person to me here. If she would say that to me about someone else, then she probably says that about me to others.

The snow has blanketed my mood and I don't care much for anything right now.

Additionally, my boss is planning to fire the one person in the front office who isn't two-faced. I know about it and my boss is asking me to document the particulars against the guy. I don't feel good about being a co-conspirator.

My work is boring to the extent that I can't believe I just wasted all this space on the topic. To all those who made it this far, I leave you a Quote of the Day:

"Where did you get the pink fifties you whore! Don't touch me, Grandpa, Nana is a cheating whore!"

Dane Cook (on playing Monopoly)