I just realized that the dream I posted earlier came true.... well except for the cross-dressing thing. For my birthday the Wild Wing crew and I went to the sushi place downtown for dinner. Sushi... seafood... see the connection? The star of my dreams also came, although he was very nicely dressed, no red dress or pearls in sight. We ordered more food then I've ever seen before and it was surprisingly just imitative of my dream. Geoff even footed my part of the bill--thanks Baby!

I believed in high school that I had premonition dreams, maybe they are returning... cool...

I had no idea that couph syrup was such an aphrodisiac...

...Rodney Dangerfield and pickpockets can kiss my ass...

...wouldn't be the first time this weekend.

A night out with Big B and the Texas T

I went with my favorite North Carolina resident, Big B and the Texas T, to AEPi's frat party Saturday night. Several occurrences worth noting transpired:

• I saw people snort Ritalin for the first time in my life.
• I was sitting on the porch swing with Brad and we were talking. All of a sudden this 18-year-old boy sags onto the swing, partially on top of me. I scoot over, ignoring him, and Brad and I continued our conversation. He and I were softly rocking back and forth until this boy dug his feet into the ground and stopped the swing. Boy, he did not look good. I try to continue to ignore him but I notice he is now hanging his head off the side of the swing- kind of dangling between the chains suspending the bench. Brad continues chatting but now I am totally distracted, waiting for the moment for this guy to puke. And, by God, if he pukes on me I will slug the sonofabitch. Brad sees my distance and inquires what is wrong. I tell him about the boy and, at the exact moment I finished the story, the little guy just starts hurling off the swing. I about climbed in Brad's lap.
  So this is what Brad does: he gets up, tells me he is going to alert someone to clean up the puke, and leaves me with this sick boy next to me. All of a sudden fraternity men approach me and inform me on how to take care of my man. I told each and every one of them that I have never seen him before in my life and I'm not about to start babysitting him now.
  Brad eventually reappears and pulls me off the swing and whisks me away into the safety of the fraternity house.
• But, as it turns out, the house wasn't that safe. It was dirty. And while I was walking down the dark stairwell, I slipped on an empty jug of vodka and proceeded to slip down the last few steps. As I crashed into the wall, I screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Everyone stopped and turned around and stared. The music was probably cut off. Only then did I remember that AEPi is a Jewish frat...

...but, man, it was the wildest frat party I have ever attended...

I AM NOT KIDDING YOU, THIS IS WHAT MY PARENTS GAVE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY:

1. 12 rolls of toilet paper
2. 20.25 lbs of dog food
3. 500 napkins
4. 3 boxes of Capri Sun (I hate Capri Sun)

I cried the whole drive home.

Things I heard my FATHER say yesterday--

"He's got more chins than a Chinese phone book."

"Cut the grass? Hell, I smoke it..."

(said to his step-daughter) "Make sure you wear that necklace tonight. All women should go to bed wearing a pearl necklace."

I don't like expensive beers; I'm a cheap beer kind of guy. What I've done is taken this beer, watered it down, and poured it in a wine glass. I'm passing it off as wine..."

My bit of philosophy for the day:

For me, college has been about binging. Whether it be alcohol, home-made cooking, or boys and sex, all quantities must be consumed in alarmingly high levels that normal people could not intake. For example, at my sister's wedding on Saturday, I ate so much food that I could not stand up without my stomach physically hurting. Then, promptly after leaving my family, (ok a little bit before) I drank most of the beer supply. Now there are two questions left:

1. Am I a purger?

A lil' bit, yes. If you've ever been drinking fast quantities of strong liquor with me, then you know that my body will "reject" shots. My New York friend calls it the randa-boot. I am so glad someone else does this, much less named it.

2. In my examples, I mentioned binging on food, alcohol, and sex. Am I partaking in all 3 tonight?

My friend once spoke of a "Beer, Sex, Beer" party, where you're guaranteed 2 out of the 3. Same here.

The sex dreams have ceased; I can finally look at him in the eyes again. I am partially sad because they left just as unexpectedly as they came. Besides, they were fun. I'm reminded of what Rodney Dangerfield once said, "If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." The dreams were my pickpockets.

I'd bang my head against the wall if I had one.

(A wall, I haven't lost my head just yet...)

I'm not as thunk as you drink I am

I went to Karaoke For Kids Wednesday night to support my friend sorority, Gamma Sigma Sigma. Being so damn sick after Tuesday's catastrophe (apparently drinking to calm nerves is a not a good solution for myself), I did not have even one sip of alcohol. I didn't think anything of it, until 4 people came up to me today and told me how proud they were of me for going out and not drinking. I thank everyone for being so concerned about me, but I want to assure you that I am ok. Below I have listed symptoms that women alcoholics show and clearly you will see that this isn't me... except for that flask in the purse thing...

Women's Symptoms

Prodromal Stage

Increased tolerance for alcohol
Unwillingness to discuss drinking
+Feels women who drink excessively are worse than men
+Drinks more just before menstrual period
+Feels more intelligent and capable when drinking
+Supersensitive about anything
+Personality changes when drinking from passive to aggressive

Early Stage

Periods of abstinence
Others disapprove of drinking
Rationalization of drinking
Memory blackouts
+Unexplained bruises
+Drinking before facing a new situation

Middle Stage

Neglects eating
Protects supply of liquor
Self-pity
Unreasonable resentment
+Permissive with children because of guilt feelings
+Drinks to feel happy and finds self more depressed
+Told by others she couldn't be an alcoholic
"Pre-drinking" or "post-drinking" or both
Guilt about drinking
Binges

Late Stage

Starts day with drink
Tremors
Loses tolerance for alcohol
Sneaks drinks
Gulps drinks
Persistent remorse
Devalues personal relationships
+Carries liquor in purse

+reported by women only from James (1975)

Stupid Things I Did Yesterday--

1. Saw a man get his wheelchair stuck in the ruins of the Baxter Street sidewalk and laughed. (He is not permanently restricted to the wheelchair, he had a cast on his leg) Nevertheless, I still felt guilty for laughing at a man in a wheelchair. I think this was the karma that set the whole day off.
2. Backed my truck over a giant pile of gravel dust, or packed gravel or something, and got stuck.
3. Drove the wrong way down a one way street. I didn't realize this until I stopped at the intersection and looked for the light. I found it right above me.
4. NAILED a curb while turning off the one way street. We're talking I actually had someone check my tire I hit it so hard. If I had hubcaps, this one would have been cracked in half. It also ruined my allignment big time.
5. Fell over a curb and landed on my face in the middle of downtown. A stranger asked me if I was ok.
6. Dropped a glass and broke it.
7. Drank ENTIRELY too much alcohol. I mixed beer with champagne with shots. Then I mixed colors with the different kinds of liquor. Then I promptly "rejected" a shot in the middle of the bar. A stranger asked me if I was ok.

The story so far:

After a wine-induced haze, I fell asleep face first on my sofa. And then it happened. My very first sex dream. It took 21 years, 50 weeks and 2 lovers later to experience my first sexual fantasy. I mean, I've had dreams where I've gotten shot down by famous people I wanted to sleep with (aka Noel from Felicity: "But you're a nerd!" I retorted when he didn't want me) This dream, however, was wonderful; he was a very attentive lover. The only mentionable thing about it though was the leading man (and what a man he was)... is my boss.

This isn't the same as a boss from any part-time job where fooling around isn't a big deal (Thanks for the memories Brian). This is a real-live corporation that is listed in the Fortune 1000. Office policies exist, and if I'm going to move into the executive position they offered me, I must obey these rules. Not to mention that Mr. Spectacular also follows these rules rigidly.

Upon telling my friend Bonnie on the way to work, and waiting several minutes for her to stop laughing, she assured me that sex dreams about your boss is not a big deal. Just don't look at him in the eyes for a few days. Okay, sounds good. I have a plan and plans are good. Then that night I had the dream that categorizes me as a class-one weirdo.

It is my birthday (which is rapidly approaching and I would just like to mention that I like shiny things and will be accepting gifts all month. Drinks also make excellent tokens). My Wild Wing Crew and I are celebrating me living 22 years without being accidentally "offed." We sit around a huge black marble table at a very elegant and opulent seafood restaurant and the servers carry huge platters of seafood and place them on the table. Then he walks in. Omigod. Will, Bonnie, TC, and I all exchange open-mouthed gasps, and Bonnie mouths the word that I would least likely want to associate with a new lover: transvestite. He sports a bright red dress that falls to his thighs, a single strand of pearls around his neck, and hair gel in his already short hair. Omigod he looks dykie. He takes a seat next to me and the shrimp the size of manicotti noodles no longer look appetizing; I hope my friends foot the bill. Will and TC take him aside and let him know how disappointed I am. I probably looked like I did on my 8th birthday when I had to share my birthday cake with my brother Patrick and all I got was a Barbie doll. He returns to the table and I do my best not to look at him. Then I can't breathe. I cannot breathe. Reaching up to my neck, I try to loosen my necktie. What is with the role reversal? I am not wearing a necktie-- like the woman I am, I am wearing a skimpy little black dress and nothing is even remotely near my neck. A necktie has got to be loosened for me to breathe, so I turn to the person next to me-- and it's him. To my surprise, he now wears an undershirt with a button-down shirt over it, the top two buttons undone. I pull at his collar for a breath of air and under his white undershirt I see the strand of pearls and the neck of the red dress. He didn't take it off. He looked down, ashamed and embarrassed. That's when I woke up in a panic.

I could not speak to him today, much less avoid the eyes...