Things I heard my FATHER say yesterday--

"He's got more chins than a Chinese phone book."

"Cut the grass? Hell, I smoke it..."

(said to his step-daughter) "Make sure you wear that necklace tonight. All women should go to bed wearing a pearl necklace."

I don't like expensive beers; I'm a cheap beer kind of guy. What I've done is taken this beer, watered it down, and poured it in a wine glass. I'm passing it off as wine..."