"The Leavers put on lipstick and they cry like no tomorrow...
The Leftbehinds will try and land, pale-faced and fighting to the tooth."
--Steven Jackson, "Leavers & Leftbehinds"
The Leftbehinds will try and land, pale-faced and fighting to the tooth."
--Steven Jackson, "Leavers & Leftbehinds"
I've never been much of a Leaver -- too many other people have that role filled. It seems easy for them to walk away, to give up. I don't know how they do it; I'll fight kicking and screaming for the people I love. I'll fight longer than I should, and only when I know I gave it my all, can I accept my status as a Leftbehind.
Being a Leftbehind, being told that you're no longer wanted -- that their lives will somehow be enhanced by the absence of your own -- is a very humbling experience. It's an experience that I've lived through more than I care to admit. It's also a status that I've become comfortable with. I know the drill: clutching a dog that doesn't understand only because I know she can't tell anyone and the tears. Oh, the tears. Inevitably, this is followed by equal parts of gin: a jigger of gin for every jigger of tears.
In the end, the gin will outlast the tears until the gin itself begins to trickle. In the end, I'm always okay whether I want to be or not. And maybe this is why I'm complacent with being a Leftbehind -- I'll always turn right-side up.
But after a particularly bad episode followed by undesirable results, for the first time I am debating transitioning to the Leavers. I am faced with questions I do not know the answers to. When do you give up on someone? When is it just too much to forgive?
And the guilt? The guilt is horrible.
But the more I think about it, the more being a Leaver makes sense. Hell, I'm in anguish over a person who hasn't even truly asked for forgiveness. Let that be a testament to my character and to hers. I haven't become a Leaver yet, but the idea gives me peace.
Maybe my father felt this peace when he chose another family. Maybe another felt this peace when he chose the bottle. Maybe another when he chose his music. And another for his art. Another, his fat-assed ex. Another... I don't even know why.
"And the Leavers fare better than the Leftbehinds this time.
The freedom and the broken ties,
the upper hand, and the last goodbyes -- this time."
The freedom and the broken ties,
the upper hand, and the last goodbyes -- this time."
12 comments:
I think you'll be okay this time.
I'm a leftbehind too. I never knew such terminology existed.
I have had friends who just never called back. They were usually moms with husbands and kids .. so I kind of understood I was a phase filler for them. But non-moms have left me too.
I figure they have issues or fears that only they can be responsible for, and I shouldn't "take it personally."
I do, of course. But I think you and I are in the same boat, it's not really our fault. But we're left feeling like it is.
TDG- I think I will be too :)
DET- I think Steven Jackson coined it; I've never heard it before either, but I liked it.
You know why I take it personally? Because I chose to have her as a friend. This reflects poorly on me on both my decision making skills and my judge of character. So not only do I get screwed over, but it makes me look like a fool too.
Or maybe it makes you look open and loving and willing to trust. Getting hurt is a sign that you're still alive. It sucks, but it bodes well for the future.
Miss Most-Excellent-Mokey, the fact that you're feeling bad about leaving a person who is so obviously unworthy of your friendship is testament to how much you rock! Leavers generally leave because they don't want the burden of the feelings, the fight. Don't take it personally because we all make mistakes and feel like fools for being taken in- hard to know who is genuine.
Feel better, listen to some Kelly Clarkson and the theme to Rocky, huggs, a few jiggers and leave her a parting gift of potatoe in the tailpipe!
I have found myself to be on both ends of the spectrum, but mostly a leftbehinder. I can completely relate to where you are right now. Don't feel guilty for having to switch roles, like Annex said it's not your fault.. you were forced into that position after fighting for your friendship.
She's the tool!!!!!
people come and people go really... we drift apart, we grow in different directions, call it what you will...
sometimes we should just recognise the signs and then maybe the transition wouldn't be so hard... you know? when it's just time for things to become past?
i feel that way right now, but it might all be a figment of my imagination...
I don't think you want to be a Leaver...they are usually cold-hearted people.
I'm not sure what this current situation is - but I can't imagine you did anything to deserve it.
Some friends are worth fighting for and others just aren't.
Well, you're young yet; you are being too hard on yourself - what, you're supposed to be an swift and accurate judge of character in your 20s? You may be a freakin' genius, but that's just too much. That stuff you only get by living - more specifically, by getting screwed over. It's called Experience - aka a comb nature hands you when you're already bald. (Hair reference entirely coincidental.)
you should come visit me in the land of cold and snow and we could shop and drink and give the finger to the world... just because, you know?
Robin- Sometimes I think my heart is too big to handle. Because I end up in situations like these way more than I should, and it all comes down to my expectations being broken.
Karen- LOL!
Angel Girl- I was forced. Dammit that makes me angry.
Don't Eat Token- I second that. Seriously!
Me- Wow but are they supposed to go burning every possible bridge after walking all over you?
Momo- This turned out to be one not worth it. And I'm still shocked over the whole thing.
Cubicle Neighbor- Grr on the hair reference!
Me- If I could totally afford a place ticket to Canada, I would be there!
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