An open letter to Dallas Austin

You're an idiot.

And not just for writing that dumbass "Atlanta" song. Seriously, does it even have words? Isn't it just unknown people vocalizing the whole time? I didn't even know it was possible to make an entire city sound like they are suffering from DTs, but you brought us there.

But this isn't even the purpose for my letter.

You're an idiot for going to a country where they behead people and bringing your cocaine with you. You told the authorities you "forgot to get rid of it." Because that makes it okay! Pretty dumbass move.

When I found out you were sentenced to four years in a Dubai prison, I got excited. That seemed punishment enough. Unfortunately the country didn't want you and now you're back here with us. Back at Cafe Dupree doing blow off the toilet seat.

God must hate me.