Obtaining the Cookie

So, uh, I didn't want to admit this.

I thought I would get away with it and no one would ever find out.

But of course I feel the need to write about it.

I rented "The Real World You Never Saw: Hookups."

*Hangs head in utter shame*

I rented it because I wanted to see the threesome from the Las Vegas season. I still can't believe I missed one episode and they basically have a group orgy. Actually, I was a little disappointed and am questioning if an actual threesome transpired. When Alton came in the room and ripped the sheets off, only Trishelle was naked (shocker). Steven and Brynn still have their "cash and prizes" covered. Then Brynn made out with Alton a little.

But the most noteworthy part of the 60 minutes I can never get back is when Coral and Dan interviewed Teck from the Hawaii season. They talked about how Teck was the most successful player of any Real World cast member and his advice to aspiring players. Teck looks straight into the camera and says, "Girls want to give the cookie as much as guys want to eat the cookie. Guys just have to learn not to be stupid along the way."

My mouth fell open, bits of the cracker I was eating fluttered away. I think he just nailed it. I can't believe this 27-year-old asshole just spoke so succinctly and articulately about men versus women. I do want to give the cookie! But, you guys, you do some stupid shit.

And now I present you with my list of

Stupid Shit Guys Do That Will Never Earn the Cookie:

• You don't call when you say you will. This one is easy. If you don't plan on calling, then don't say you will. It's irritating.
• You have bad manners. I'm not your best friend. Your best friend doesn't have the legs I do. Opening doors and other gentlemanly behaviors go a long way with girls.
• You ask for our advice and then blow it off. When anyone else says the exact same thing, like a girl at your work, you then choose to take it. This kills me. I'm a smart person with moments of brilliance and, sometimes, even bloody genius. I don't need to be made into an idiot, especially by someone I care about. Don't discredit everything we say just because it's coming from your girlfriend. I'll give you 2 examples:

Ex-boyfriend number 1 adopted a dog, an unruly one at that. He expressed his frustrations with the dog and asked for help. I raised and trained my own dog. She was a shit when she was a puppy, but now she's very well-behaved; I know what I'm doing. I gave him advice which he promptly ignored. He then spent hundreds of dollars and got a private dog trainer. When she said the exact same thing, word for word, he followed it. He didn't even give me credit for saying it first.

Ex-boyfriend number 2 and I had very different musical tastes. If I drove and played a CD in my truck, he would go out of his way to mock it because it wasn't his music. Years later he moved away. His new circle of friends recommended the. Same. Damn. CD. His website now reads, "I love 'Neutral Milk Hotel.'" He discredited the CD the first time just because I introduced it to him.

Because apparently I have no brains and bad taste. I don't even know why they would even date someone they thought so little of mentally. Just because we date you, doesn't mean we're stupid.

As much as you apparently think a girl must be stupid to date you.