Blue is my world when I'm without you, Part 1

I had a date. A couple of days beforehand, I wandered into my closet and pulled out my blue jeans and examined them. I put them on a shelf a month earlier after I ripped them for the third time after trying to sew them back together. I had worn the jeans so thin that there was a rip below my left buttock that no amount of mending could fix. I stuck my hand through the hole-- No, these won't do, I thought. I can't go on a date with ripped jeans.

The next day after work I began my jeans hunt. Naturally when shopping I start at the cheapest place and work my way up until I find what I want. I drove to the closest shopping center and walked into TJMaxx. It was there I realized that not a lot of people buy blue jeans during the hot summer months. They only had a few pairs, all on clearance, and I grabbed a few and tried them on. I settled on a pair of Tommy Hilfiger for $12.99. I stood in the dressing room mirror and looked at my reflection, trying to imagine the pants with slinky date tops. I cocked my head, there was nothing wrong with the pair I selected, but there was nothing right about it either.

Barefoot in the dressing room I thought back to my beloved pair waiting for me a home. Blue jeans are as important to a person's style as is her hair. I didn't need to recklessly buy any pair--this was a big decision. I buy a pair of jeans about once every two years, I can't believe I was going to waste my purchase on a pair of too-blue blue jeans. I sighed and yanked them off of me. I knew nothing less than a multiday journey laid ahead of me to find the perfect pair, as perfect as my poor Calvin Kleins, if not better.

Next up the price ladder was Old Navy, which was perfect because it was located right below TJMaxx. I took the escalator down and headed straight to the wall-o-jeans. First of all, they weren't dark enough for me, but they were under the $30 rank. I grabbed what I could in my size and went to the dressing room.

Oh.

Dear.

God.

I am wearing a "special edition" pair of Old Navy jeans. What makes them special edition? They're predrawn on. The little bird by the pocket I could get over. All the dots up and down the zipper? It's like a connect-the-dots around my crotch. I thought of being on a date and trying to explain:

"No, I didn't draw that..."

"No, I wasn't wearing them while someone else drew that."

"Yes, I bought them this way..." Even in my head, I hung my head in shame.

"No, I'm not obsessed with my vagina, Old Navy is."

I actually licked my finger and tried to rub off the "special edition." Nope, this is special edition ink.

Next.