Pay to Play

My mother was not happy I bought a lottery ticket tonight.

"Why did you buy that?" she asked as I waved the ticket in front of her.

"Uh, 333 million dollars," I scoffed.

"Do you really think you're going to win 333 million dollars?" she mocked back.

"No, Mom," I explained. "It's not about the money. It's about having the possibility. Having the fantasy. Having the dream. Without the ticket, there is no possibility for the fantasy, but with it, you earn the right to dream."

My mother said nothing and looked away. I don't think she understood my point.

***

I called CJ to see if I had the winning ticket. I sighed, "Looks like I'm going to work on Monday."

"Sorry babe, I only won $7. I won't be able to support your lifestyle," he consoled.

I laughed, "Sure you can. You can take me out for an ice cream cone."

"Sounds good to me."

And maybe that's why I've been hurt so many times, but continue to throw myself back out there. Because, to me, it's always worth a dollar to dream.

Although not quite as funny this time around

I've often wondered when did things go wrong. The exact moment life went from good to bad. When I should have initially changed my circumstances instead of waiting as long as I did.

I've been thinking about my little piece of the web and how the neglect it's suffered boarders on abuse. And that's when I realized the exact date: Monday, August 11, 2008. That was the exact day I stopped living for myself and instead put someone else's needs above my own. It's when I stopped writing.

This leads me to several conclusions:

• Jesus, that was a year ago.
• I stayed in a bad situation for 8 more months before I did anything about it.
• Why would I do that.
• I hope I wouldn't do that again.

In the meantime, everything about my life has changed: new job, new apartment, new furniture, new body (minus one tumor-ridden thyroid; plus a few pounds if I were being really honest), new friends, new boy.

New smile.

New perspective.

So let's try this again.