Assclownery

I have been dead set about giving myself a black eye before the week is over.

I was an ass enough to close my tailgate of my SUV ON MY EYE SOCKET. It swelled up a nice puffy red, as if I were fresh from the saucy world of date abuse.

Cards to women's shelters received: 1.

After a night alternating a cold beer bottle and a bag of frozen red peppers on the eye, the swelling went down. Makeup fixed everything else as not to require any unexpected time off from work.

Then last night I was lying on my floor. Drunk. I had 3 beers with dinner and I couldn't believe I was intoxicated. The room was slightly spinning and the TV was on, but I couldn't focus on it. Nikita was thrilled that I was passed out on the floor before 9:30 PM and was sticking her snout in my face, alternating smelling and licking. I wasn't looking and stuck my hand up to scratch her head. I missed. I turned and stuck my head up to see where she went and my other eye socket collided with the crown of her doggie head.

"Ow!" I screamed.

"Woo!" She offered back.

I slapped my hand to my face, covering up the wound. It really hurt, more so than the corner of the tailgate. I've seen her knock her head around and she never reacts, so I know it's pretty tough. Tougher than my head apparently. I lied on the floor whimpering so she stuck her snout in my face again, made the smelling anteater sound, and gave me a final winning lick.

So now there is a faint green bruise under my eyebrow on the other eye.