A letter to my dear readers

There is a reason why I've been so lame recently. I don't know why I've been keeping everything in, 98% of you won't judge me. Overall, you're more supportive than anyone else in my life, which sometimes is the only thing that keeps me going. I'm calling out to you now because I need you. I've needed you all along, but I've been proud.

Many of you know that I left Athens, my home. I moved back to my hometown, exactly 6 years after I left it. I moved for a better career. I was supposed to be here temporarily until I had enough time and money to find a place of my own. I was scheduled to move last weekend. That didn't happen. The new job that I left my home, friends, and comforts for didn't work out.

I'm okay with this. I mean I'm royally pissed that I relocated myself for no reason, but I have had enough jobs to know that my career is not the most important thing in my life. I interview extremely well and I know I'll find something else. I was supposed to eventually run my father's business, and we're having talks about me *hopefully* joining him soon.

But it was a blow to the ego. Being stranded at home with my family didn't exactly help out my stress either. Together, we're a nasty bunch, armed with sharp tongues that could make a bully cry. Living at home altered my personality. I wasn't as careful as I should have been.

Shortly after my unexpected unemployment, Matt left me. I sent him a text message that read, "If you don't love what I got you for your birthday, than you're an idiot." Something my parents used to say to me all the time. It didn't even cross my mind that anyone would take offense to it. To be honest, I still don't see it. I guess I'm desensitized. However, Matt took the greatest offense to it and sent me a text message back, "I can't do this anymore." My boyfriend just shy of a year broke up with me through a text message. Pretty shitty. And this transpired after my mother declared me depressed.

Now my entire world is upside-down. I living in a city I hate (always have- couldn't wait to leave it the first time.) It's been 6 years and no one I know is left here. I have no job and I just got out of a serious relationship. I'm a prisoner in the house I grew up in.

Sometimes- when it's sunny, 82 degrees outside, and the wind blows just right- I feel free. I am obligated to no one on this entire world. I can go anywhere and do anything I like. I could move to NYC and work for a publisher. I can move to London. I can help in one of those relief camps in Africa. My possibilities are endless.

But when it's not perfect outside, as it is most of the time, I'm not alright. This is why I've been having panic attacks. I'm completely and entirely overwhelmed, not to mention utterly heart-broken. I can't breathe, my chest hurts, and my stomach is tied in knots. I'm temperamental and have been horrible to my father, who is only trying to help, but I've shut him out, unable to forgive him suddenly for past mistakes. I find it's easier to be angry than any other emotion.

I don't know what I'm expecting. I don't even know what I'm looking for. I feel like I haven't been fair and honest with you, mainly because of pride. I'm slowly realizing that I can't go through this alone and I think I need your support. I need to be able to discuss these things.

So now you know the naked truth about me.