Congratulations Jackson!

Posted by Hello

You have paid your dues in the justice system for traveling without an owner. Moreover, you have been selected to go home with a new family. In this house you will enjoy the company of two siblings: a brother (black Lab) and a sister (Siberian Husky.) Your master will take you for frequent walks and a few runs. You will have access to both lakes and swimming pools for recreation enjoyment. You will also receive brand new bedding and the latest and greatest in toys.

The cost to you? In addition to the rehabilitation- which you've already completed- you will also be released of the duty to procreate- a most stressful task. This is minuscule compared to the unlimited amounts of love you'll receive! This morning you will leave your cell for the last time and be taken directly to a veterinarian who will assist you in the removal. You won't feel well, but your new Mommy and Daddy will retrieve you from the facility and take you to your new home (also enabling them to leave work early today.)

Congratulations, Jackson! And Good Luck in Your New Home!

She mistook her lungs for her penis

Browsing new blogs just now, I believe I have stumbled onto unintentional porn.

Check for yourselves and tell me what you think...

Whoops

THREE THINGS

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
1. What exactly an engineer does
2. How some "parents" can sell their children
3. Cruelty to animals

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
1. Supernatural occurrences
2. Driving over bridges
3. Getting left behind

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN:
1. Speak another language fluently
2. Ballet
3. How many licks it takes to get to the center of a Toostie Roll pop


THREE THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Black Trousers
2. Baby blue mohair sweater
3. My "bowling" shoes

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
1. "Get Fuzzy" cartoons
2. Framed photo of a view of NYC from the Empire State building
3. 2 computers

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Marry
2. Experience motherhood
3. Visit Europe again


THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY:
1. Possessive
2. Stubborn
3. Too nice/trusting (leads to bad things for me- victim of many jokes)

THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE:
1. Austrian
2. German
3. Welsh

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME:
1. I love reality TV
2. I still like Milli Vanilli
3. I'm a realist- the true marking of a pessimist

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
1. "Unacceptable!"
2. "And by _____, I mean _____." (Enter 2 unrelated nouns)
3. "Boo!" (of the jeering nature, not the scaring nature)

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO:
1. England/ Ireland
2. Thailand
3. Caribbean

Yeesh, that was harder than I thought...
Feel free to copy onto your own blog or leave your answers here

Idle Hands

For the first time ever I did something I knew was illegal and I enjoyed it. Even when I speed, roll through a stop sign, or jaywalk (I guess you can see how straight-laced I am) I still have that feeling in my gut that screams, 'I hope I don't get busted!'

Tonight on my commute home from work I got stuck in traffic. The O.C. started in an hour and I'm stuck at a dead stop in Atlanta traffic. Not one lane is moving except the HOV lane next to me. No one was in it. My knuckles tightened around the steering wheel and if I miss a minute of this show I'm going to be pissed.

I looked at the HOV lane. I reasoned that it ends in a mile or so- two miles at tops- and then it just becomes a regular lane. After the crappy day of abuse I took at the office, I screamed an explitive and pulled in the HOV lane. 'I'm going to do this and I'm going to get away with it' I decided. 35...45...55 miles an hour! I'm driving in this wonderful lane and I must have passed two hundred cars. As I'm passing them this bubble of laughter rises up inside me. The more cars I pass, the louder it becomes until I'm cruising down the highway in a shoulder shaking, finger pontificating, evil, maniacal laughter.

Just when the HOV lane ends, traffic parts and I get home the exact second The O.C. starts. I've never done anything like that guilt free before and it felt great.

Another "Love Shack" joke...

Jamie: Where are you?

Matt: I'm heading down the Atlanta Highway.

Jamie: Looking for the love getaway?

Matt: Dork!

Jamie: You're just mad I got to the punchline first.

Matt: Yeah...

I decided to get a haircut during my lunch hour today. Before I left, I looked up salons in the phone book and decided upon Great Clips. Normally I would never set foot in such an abomination, but I didn't have time to schedule an appointment and it was either Great Clips or Rhonda's House of Braids.

I walk in and the lady asked if I ever had a haircut there before. "No," I responded, almost proudly. She made me give her my name, address, and phone number in order to get a freakin' haircut. Is this normal? Are we in a society where we have to divulge personal information in order to partake in minute transactions? For a $10,000 loan I will give you my address and phone number, but not for a $11 haircut! I asked her why and she said it was for marketing and research purposes. Every time I have given out that response "marketing and research" always meant not only "advertising" but "the kind of advertising where we sell your information."

I walked through a Kroger parking lot and saw smaller scale billboards advertising Western Union. Billboards, shopping carts, special cards in order to get sale prices (no doubtedly used for "marketing" purposes. You have to give them your name, address, and phone number for that as well) Wal-mart now has commercials that play on screens when you pump gas. I'm so damn sick of it.

I see I've gone too far. This wasn't supposed to be a diatribe on the evils of advertising, a profession I once wanted. By the way, the lady at Great Clips was noticeably balding and sporting a mullet.

I'm afraid.

No, I didn't err, this is how he wrote it

"Love is when you take it from you mouth and put it into you butt.

True love is when you take it from you butt and put it into you mouth."

---Harry Crews